Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Anti-Valentine’s Day – The Business Pitch

If you read yesterday’s blog you may have seen a tiny hint of bitterness that I have on Valentine’s Day. I’m not sure, it might not have come through, the writing was quite subtle. Oh and for the curious, no I didn’t get any Valentine’s cards - no surprises there.

Well today, the 15th of February I propose to turn into Anti-Valentine’s Day. I know I am not the first, and probably not the last, to propose this celebration by any means, but I may the first to actually have made a full range of products – so dear readers I am looking to you for an investment of up to £250,000.

Just in case you’re the kind of annoying happy person who has never thought about launching this kind of event, here’s a quick overview. Anti-Valentine’s Day is the celebration where we celebrate failed and unrequited love, bitterness and singledom. I think it’s only fair when we already have Valentine’s Day, and indeed represents a massive marketing opportunity, which in these harsh economic times can only be a good thing for the country.

First job is to get Clinton Cards onside, given they’d happily push “I am a Child Molester Day” if they thought it would flog them a few cards and some of those stupid grey teddy bears (though I would be interested to see the versions of that teddy that would be produced for I’m a Child Molester Day), they surely would be happy to jump on the bandwagon. Especially given there are lots of greeting cards opportunities for Anti-Valentine’s Day. In fact arguably a single individual would be able to send a whole range of cards, rather than just one card to their only true love, because there’s a whole range of unfortunate relationships you could, and probably, have had.

First up you’d be able to send cards to people who you hold an unrequited love for. For example the card could have the message on the front “Why Won’t You Go Out With Me?” and inside read:

“Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re responsible for the unfortunate stains on my bed,
And I’m outside your house watching you”


Or for the person who dumped you, a card that simply reads “You Ruined My Life” and inside:

“Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I can’t get the thoughts of you out my head,
I’d do anything for one last screw”

Or my favourite for the person who cheated on you a card that reads “Remember Me?” and inside:

“Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I want you dead,
And your new boyfriend too”

Like Valentine’s Day cards these should all be anonymously signed for proper stalkerish effect, and to reduce the likelihood of the relevant authorities finding you. Personally I think this would be a genius marketing ploy for retailers because as we all know love may last forever but only bitterness is eternal.

But why stop at cards? Like Valentine’s Day there’s a full range of tatty merchandise that could be released for Anti-Valentine’s Day, and the good news is you don’t even have to imagine them because I’ve actually made them.

For the last few years I have been embracing Anti-Valentine’s Day with my own Anti-Valentine’s Day meal where I have cooked for a selection of my single friends on Valentine’s Day, forcing my housemates in couples to go out for the evening and spend an inordinate amount of money on their partners – ha ha ha.

The below photos from my Anti-Valentine’s Day meals show the full range of potential investment opportunities, in a whole wealth of tatty Anti-Valentine’s merchandising:

Just as the heart is the symbol of Valentine’s Day the shattered heart is the symbol of Anti-Valentine’s Day with broken hearts everywhere.

To remind us why it’s better to be single than in a couple, pictures of famous celebrity break ups are scattered around the dining room:

Always good to see Les Dennis and Heather Mills featured in the same vein.

Even the menu can be themed:

With the starter being Bitter Paté, main course being Broken Chicken Hearts and dessert being Date-Free Cake – see what I’ve done there? Additionally shots are only available as singles. Oh come on that’s clever!

It’s important to make sure the door into the event is appropriately themed:

Incidentally this image makes a great R.S.V.P. to wedding invites that your more successful friends send you. The bastards.

No Anti-Valentine’s Party would be complete without a touch of burnt rose petals for the smell of your hopes and dreams burning:

Just in case it gets too much an appropriate emergency sign is placed on the balcony:

Of course you need some table decorations. Here’s Valentine’s Doggy holding a lovely heart and with a knife sticking through his chest, and blood dripping out of his body:

And Valentine’s Teddy whose head has unfortunately been ripped off – the smug smiling turgid bear:

I’d like to say no Valentine’s Teddies were hurt in the making of these products, but I can’t.

So there you go potential investors, the perfect celebration to get your backing. It’s a sure fire way to make money. Make your offers, except Deborah Meaden, you clearly don’t actually have any money.

At this point you’re likely to be backing away from the computer, and thinking to yourself I probably shouldn’t approaching the person who wrote this blog if they’re holding a sharp instrument. And to be honest any good psychologist would probably agree with you.

Now to those of you, who think this is unhealthy and I probably shouldn’t spend Valentine’s night hosting Anti-Valentine’s parties. I have tried. Last year there was no Anti-Valentine’s night, primarily as my regular group of single friend invitees had pretty much all found partners, and those that hadn’t, responded to the above paragraph. So in an effort to be positive and take control of the situation I signed myself up to a Valentine’s network and socialising event, the idea being that as it was on Valentine’s Day only single people would go. Thus you could all meet up get laid and live happily ever after – well that’s what the brochure said.

The problem is that any event in which romance is being attempted to be artificially orchestrated will only attract social retards, like myself, because clearly those who aren’t social retards can meet people they like in normal situations and ask them out without the need of some grand "shag me" event. Also I failed to realise the key plan that everyone else would do at this events, they’d bring at least one other single friend along, so they had someone to talk to. I didn’t. So now we had a room full of social retards, no one talking to anyone, except within the pre-existing groups of friends. And the individual singletons, like myself, standing there in a corner on their own, either acting excited by a coat hook or pretending to read texts on their mobile. Seriously I ran out of things to do on my phone, I’d cleared out the drafts text message folder and reorganised my phone book all whilst pretending to read a text. In fact it was this kind of social awkwardness that encouraged to get a smart phone, at least now I can use Google whilst pretending to read texts to escape awkward social situations.

Anyway having spent £10 for this “exciting” event and drunk my free glass of wine, I decided, after an hour of avoiding making eye contact with the creepy looking people, I should abandon this lost cause. So my Valentine’s evening consisted of wasting £10, feeling depressed about being unable to pull in what by all accounts should have been a dead cert – room full of desperate singletons on Valentine’s Day. Then I went home binge ate a pizza and two cheesecakes and completed a level on Mario Kart. So there we go Anti-Valentine’s is the way forward, and I look forward to reintroducing it.

Before I go and calm down and let my vein stop throbbing, I should impart to any couples out there the three golden rules that you should always obey when trying to comfort single people on or around Valentine’s Day:

1. Don’t tell us that Valentine’s Day is worse for couples. If it that’s bad leave them, you are miserable by choice, we are miserable despite our best efforts not to be. Your level of pain pales in comparison to our own, don’t try and trivialise it.

2. Don’t tell us that you and your partner aren’t doing anything for Valentine’s Day. How could this possibly help? What you are effectively saying is that you have a ticket to the Happiness Party we're not allowed to go to, but your life is so happy you don’t need to go to the Happiness Party – this makes us hate you.

3. Don’t tell us that "don’t worry you’re bound to meet someone perfect soon". Quite frankly I’m too old for this Disney bullshit - it’s perfectly possible that I will spend the rest of miserable life sad and lonely with my only companionship provided by a group of dismembered Valentine’s Day teddies. Fate has nothing to do with it, don't patronise me!

On that cheery note I bring this post to a close. I wonder if anyone will still approach me in public without a canister of pepper spray.