Thursday, 12 January 2012

If 2011 had been voted off The X Factor… Part 2

Welcome back to my review of 2011, a review so showbiz that it’s got more celebrity appearances than on Dancing on Ice so one.

Now let’s get back to the review…

2011 Review of the Year – Part 2


In July Norway was rocked by a shocking series of terror attacks. The Space Shuttle Atlantis completed the final mission of the fleet to deposit Piers Morgan into outer space for the good of all humanity, and the first artificial organ transplant was carried out, or so says Wikipedia I after all know nothing. The News of the World was closed down after 183 years, when it emerged it’s journalists had hacked the voicemail of the missing schoolgirl Milly Dowler. Rupert Murdoch became one of many big names to visit the Levison inquiry where he was hit in the face by a custard pie, which contained no custard – even now the media lie, and the whole significance of his appearance was reduced to the level of a children’s television programme – still at least I understood. In showbiz news the final Harry Potter film was released in cinemas, and Amy Winehouse defied medical science by living to the age of 27 despite the abuse her body had suffered.


In August the season finale to the Arab Spring began with The Battle of Tripoli as rebel forces seized the capital from Colonel Gaddaffi’s hands, in other news about tyrants The X Factor began it’s eighth series. A raft of new judges couldn’t distract the general public from the shock news that Louis Walsh is still on the show! Big Brother launched over on Channel 5 and some people won it. And the Iranian embassy condemned British authorities overuse of police force in a “hahaha” comment, as rioting and looting spread across London. Initial anger towards the police shooting of a suspect in Tottenham soon lead to looting in large areas of the capital later spreading to other parts of the country. A shocked nation found things only got worse with every political commentator in the country trying to come up with inventive reasons as to why the riots started, while the rest of us wondered how on earth anyone could be stupid enough to loot Tesco Value Basmati Rice and then post a picture of themselves doing it on the internet so the police could find them. Plus of course this very blog was launched to worldwide apathy.


September like April and June saw another quiet month in the world, according to the news summaries anyway, again with more continuations of all the year’s big stories. However other things popping up in the news were the news that Albert Enstein’s Theory of Relativity might be wrong after some neutrinos managed a cheeky shortcut to overtake the speed of light in a tortoise and hare style race. While TV scientists desperately tried to explain neutrinos to a confused population shock spread the world, nothing to do with the science, Lindsay Lohan had unveiled her new haircut. Meanwhile ITV’s brand new current affairs show Exposure exposed itself to ridicule and embarrassment after accidentally airing some computer game footage claiming it was shots of the IRA. Of course as a former employee of ITV who was made redundant by them I would never dream of enjoying revelling in ITV’s embarrassments, so let’s move onto Red or Black? Oh dear. Ant, Dec & Simon Cowell’s hyped up version of You Bet with all the charm sucked out. Contestants were whittled down by answering a question even simpler than Deal or No Deal? in order to whittle them down to one contestant who would get the chance to spin a prop left over from The Wheel of Fortune in order to win one million pounds. The programme didn’t help itself when it turned out one of it’s winners had spent five years in jail for attacking a former partner.


October saw the Eurozone lurch from crisis to crisis as combined talks lead by the French and Germans tried to prop up the economies of Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal and Ireland as a domino effect threatened to engulf Europe – in the sense that the only entertainment anyone in these countries could now afford would be dominos. The global population reached a massive 7 billion, all of which attempted to travel on the Northern Line with me on a daily basis. The government proposed raising the speed limit on the UK’s motorways to 80mph in order so that people could leave Wolverhampton quicker, and broadcasting legend Sir Jimmy Saville died and then turned in his grave when he heard that Shane Richie was to present a tribute show. And the Arab Spring came to it’s conclusion with the death of Colonel Gaddafi and the subsequent printing of his bloody corpse on the front of every newspaper which was only marginally more tasteful than The Sun’s page three that day.


November 2011 saw a host of goodbyes as Silvio Berlusconi reluctantly stepped down from his country’s premiership in order to allow it to be guided through economic turmoil, depriving a number of good comedians of reams of material. Berlusconi himself is unlikely to be happy with the decision as he is now no longer immune to trial in a number of Italian cases – that should be fun. Daybreak’s presenting team of Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakly were unceremoniously dumped amid poor ratings and reviews after a high profile poaching from the BBC resulting in replies of hahaha from former GMTV presenters and the BBC alike. Michael Jackson’s doctor Conrad Murray was found guilty of accidentally causing the singer’s death after confusing painkillers with Pringles. Nick Hewer was announced as the new host of Countdown after completing a series of tasks where he had to sell as many letters to members of the general public as possible in two days, make an advert for the show itself and project a manage a team to clear out Jeff Stelling’s dressing room. After a nervous final boardroom battle he beat The Chuckle Brothers to the role. Meanwhile the public sector went on a day of nationwide Christmas shopping in order to protest about reduced public service pensions and Jeremy Clarkson offended them all by suggesting they should be shot in a completely serious interview untouched by any hint of irony.


December not only was the close of 2011, but bought close to a lot of other things, the British ended all pretence of being popular in Europe after vetoing its latest mandate on economic harmony in order to protect its important financial mismanagement industry. The United States officially declared the end of the war in Iraq leaving the country in a completely stable unwarlike state. A plethora of reality TV shows came to an end with Strictly Come Dancing stealing the ratings crown as Harry Judd won the glitterball trophy, Little Mix won The X Factor and were forgotten in the space of a week, and I’m a Celebrity… was won by one of the other McFly people, I wasn’t watching. Kim-Jong Il ended his grip on North Korea prompting a large number of jokes around his name and being “oh so lonely”. Samoa and Tokealu said goodbye to the 30th of December, entirely skipping the day, to shoot across the International Dateline and be at GMT +14. And we all shed bucket loads of tears as a child gave a poorly wrapped present to his parents from John Lewis and The Military Housewives stole the Christmas Number One from Little Mix’s clutches.

And that ladies and gentlemen was 2011 in a slightly large nut shell. Of course no review of the year would be complete without some updates on my previous blogs. On the subject of socks I decided to use the day specific socks in the end – you’ll be pleased to know. Plus I was given the excellent suggestion of wearing socks with aggressive toe seams inside out. Thank you for that.

Yes that is my leg hair, calm yourself.

And as regards WHSmith as you can see things have improved in their shops as this photo I took at Brixton store shows:

Not spotted the problem yet? How about now:

There you go!

On that bombshell, all that remains is to wish you an exceptionally happy New Year (a bit late I admit) and I hope that 2012 doesn’t pan out anything like the film of the same name, if we are all to die this year let’s hope the plot’s better, and also hopefully nothing like the awful BBC Three spin-off Spooks: Code 9 kudos if you remember that, and indeed Kudos if you made it – a little TV production joke to end with, forgive me.