Friday, 16 September 2011

I told you there was something cheesy about the Queen.

Regular readers of this blog will know that I lead a lonely and tedious life, with all the joy of a lifetime subscription to What Misery! magazine. Even Facebook e-mailed me this week to tell me it was giving up on our relationship and was going to stop e-mailing me in the future. Nice. So as I sit here in my bedroom relentless tapping at the keyboard like a woodpecker, only with 85% less purpose in their life, I’m alone. My flatmate’s down the gym, which is depressing, not just because I’m alone, but also because he’s put me to shame. All I’ve done today is waddle to the kitchen to get a cake. I didn’t even waddle back with the empty plate.

Anyway no longer, I’ve come up with a plan to turnaround my social fortunes and develop myself as an “internet celebrity”. It’s a plan so genius that even Professor Stephen Hawking would sit up and say “that’s genius” albeit in a robotic voice. Turns out the one of the most popular things on the internet at present are conspiracy theories, there’s a constant internet buzz around anything to do with conspiracy theories like flies swarming around a steaming turd or turds swarming around the News of the World phone hacking case. People are desperate to know any and all goings on to do with conspiracy, it’s like Heat Magazine but with all the pages covered with a scratch and sniff section made with crack cocaine. The plans is if I become the central authority on a conspiracy theory I’ll become an internet sensation and give my life some meaning.

Now I could simply join in with the existing conspiracy theories, but if I’m going to go with this plan, then I’m go for it 100%. And rather than competing to be a minor informant on an existing conspiracy theory I’m going to need to develop my own new exciting conspiracy theory, one which I can be the centre of all authority on. Sadly Delia Smith is yet to write her book on how to cook up a conspiracy theory, however having studied a number of the more popular theories I’ve worked out they all  follow a similar pattern which hopefully I can replicate. As they said on the Hindenburg “What could go wrong?”.

Up first we need our central conspiracy, it needs to be easily expressed as a concise sentence, because let’s face it we need to lure in the simple gullible people first. Generally these conspiracy theories consist of saying something that we all think did happen, actually didn’t or that someone who we thought didn’t do something actually did. They’re bite-size statements that on the face of first glance seem ludicrous, but represent such epoch-shattering consequences if they turn out to be true that even people who don’t care, can’t help but take notice. Much like if you saw a newspaper report that Bobby Davro had died in a tragic blancmange making accident, you don’t really care, but you’d have to look just in case it contained a picture of his nose squished in a food blender or such like. So we need a central conspiracy theory hmmm…, I know:

The entire Royal Family is actually made from Dairylea.

It fits our plan; it’s both ludicrous sounding but potentially has far reaching consequence if it’s true. I mean imagine if it were true, would the entire United Kingdom constituency collapse? Would we have to replace our coins with Ritz crackers? And would lactose intolerant people demand we become a republic?

Of course there will be people who claim our theory is wrong, people say who’ve met the Queen or know a little bit about the science of creating artificial live from Dairylea Triangles. The beauty of a conspiracy theory is that we can just claim that they’re in on it. It doesn’t matter if these people have no rhyme nor reason to be involved in our conspiracy theory, the simple fact that they claim we’re wrong gives the whole theory gravitas.

Now we don’t need to prove that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is actually constructed from processed cheese, no bizarrely the thing with conspiracy theories is that the onus of proof lies with the doubters to prove that our conspiracy theory is wrong. However it helps if we can find some statements to back up our original accusation. Generally these statements aren’t evidence; they simply represent gaps where the evidence supporting the counter opinion (to the conspiracy theory) doesn’t quite meet. Gaps which in the real world would be covered by common sense. But we all know just like Danni Minogue there’s no room for common sense in our world any more. So for example if your partner (ewww I said partner in a non bitter sense, I feel quite queasy) wanders in with a cup of tea for you, common sense dictates they’ve made you a cup of tea. But did you see them make the tea? No! For all you know they boiled the water poured it down the sink and then pissed in a mug. You can’t be sure, and that’s what conspiracy theories rely on that element of doubt in the obvious. So here are my supporting statements to the theory that the Royal Family is in fact made from Dairylea, I’ll think you’ll find it hard to disagree:

1. The Queen always wears gloves; this is so she doesn’t leave a cheesy residue on any person she shakes hands with.

2. The Royal Family never travel together on the same aircraft; this is because there’s not enough space to keep them all in the fridge and stop them going off.

3. Licking a stamp tastes disgusting; much like licking Dairylea tastes disgusting.

4. The Queen wears a lot of silver in her crowns and robes; this is to keep her foil fresh, so she doesn’t start to whiff at state occasions.

There. Irrefutable facts in the fight to prove the truth about the Royal family.

Next up we need someone with some scientific kudos to support our cause. It doesn’t matter if the vast majority of scientists agree on the counter argument; just one crack point scientists opinion can cause a storm of controversy. Take global warming, all scientists agree it’s happening except one deranged man in his garden shed who is currently growing potatoes in the shape of Jedward. This one man’s opinion leads to worldwide doubt on whether the destruction of mankind is happening or not. Fortunately I have a scientific background, the fact that it is in physics and not in biology or cheese studies is not important (no one will check), so I’ll release a paper claiming I have proof the Royal Family is made from Dairylea. It doesn’t matter that it’s not scientifically accurate, as no scientist worth their salt will bother reading it, let alone refuting my claims.

The final thing we need is a reason for this conspiracy, a perpetrator if you will. Like all good pantomimes we need a villain, Cinderella has the Ugly Sisters, the X Factor has Tulisa’s stylist. And this conspiracy needs a villain too, politicians are an easy choice as people find it completely believable that they’re actually the devil incarnate – well have you seen the way Peter Mandelson looks? So we’ll say that Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg stuffed the real Royal Family into an airing cupboard in Wolverhampton, and had them all replaced with Dairylea clones – except the Duke of Edinburgh who he had recreated in feta cheese. This way he could divert all the money spent on the Royal Family to buy a giant teddy bear so he could hug away the pain.

There a fully crafted conspiracy theory, that everyone will be contacting me about to find out the latest developments. It doesn’t matter that I’ve ruined the memories or the achievements of other people, or that I’ve distracted from the real and important issues that actually matter in our world. Because in the end all that’s important is creating a hubbub of activity about nothing to feel my and others boring and meaningless lives.

So go on spread the news, the Royal Family is made from Dairylea (or spread the Royal Family on your crackers). The authorities will of course deny it, but that’s what they would say.


Holly said...

I don't know what planet you are on young man! However, I do agree on the point of Tulisa's stylist! ;-)

Matt said...

I was trying to make a serious point, couldn't you tell?!! :)